The Lohans Need To Chill The F*ck Out

Okay, here's the deal: I like to gossip about idiotic celebrities, and Lindsay Lohan (and her extended bunch of fame whoring loser relatives) is one of my favorite topics. However, I work a full time job. Like, an actual job where I go somewhere every day and do stuff and people give me money for it. This is how I am able to live the high life, making minimum payments on my credit card bills and spending $150 more than I meant to at Target. So here's the thing, Lohan clan - until you are willing to pay me full time to blog, I simply cannot keep up with your lives. You are just too fucking crazy, okay? Stop it, seriously. Every day that passes is another fifteen moronic things one of you has done. One girl cannot carry this heavy gossip burden!

That being said, holy shit, how about those Lohans huh? First of all, in between showing up to the morgue for her court-sanctioned community service, Lilo earned a cool million from Playboy to do a full spread - if you know what I mean, and I think you do (I mean she let them take pictures of her vagina). Because naturally, what everyone wants to look at is the naked, emaciated body of a drug addicted dead-people janitor. Sexy! She also apparently took her little face-melting sister Ali along, because there's no better time to bond than when you're spread eagle to pay off your legal fees. Horrible person and sometimes parent Dina said the shoot "went well" because she is a "bad mother." If that's not enough, Fleshlight has reportedly offered Lindsay another effing million to create a Lindsay Lohan custom sex toy. This would require an actual mold of her vajayjay so that people could....ya know. I really don't want to have to explain this. When you're home from work, look it up you perverts.

But wait for it, there's more! Not one to be outdone by his daughter, father of the year Michael Lohan has also been in news this week. On Tuesday, Tampa police arrested Lohan after he beat up his live-in girlfriend Kate Major - for the second time. Earlier this year, he was arrested for the same thing, but the charges were dropped when total dipshit Kate Major took him back. I mean, really? Lohan was released Wednesday on bail under the order to stay the hell away from her. The judges exact words were actually, "If you even dream about it and you violate my order, you will go to jail." This seems pretty clear, but to Michael Lohan this meant, "I think you should repeatedly call Kate Major on the phone and harass her shortly after leaving jail." See, because he's crazy.

Naturally, when Major called the cops, they went back to Lohan's Tampa hotel to arrest him...again. What does he do? Obviously, he jumps off of his fourth floor balcony to escape. Obviously. Because that's gonna work. Spoiler: it didn't. The fucking idiot jumped right into a tree. Right now, he's in a Tampa hospital because he hurt his foot. I guess that's one way to avoid jail, right? Here's a pretty silly video of him being arrested shortly after his swan dive into a tree:

Seriously. A tree.

So, there's your Lohan gossip for now. Give it ten minutes and someone else will be naked and/or in jail.