It's the season finale of the Rachel Zoe Project and six weeks have gone by since Rachel and Rodger welcomed little Skyler into the world. I don't really understand the timeline on this show. It's been six weeks between now and the previous episode, but the season itself has spanned the better portion of the winter and spring? And they only had eight episodes? Whatever. Skyler is home! He is cute, too. Incidentally, I keep wanting to call him Mason, but I think that's a Kardashian spawn. Same diff.
The Zoe is learning how to be a mommy, but unfortunately she also has to run an entire company. God, it's just like that Sarah Jessica Parker movie! How does she do it? Answer: she's really rich. But she can't take a long maternity leave like she wants to. Her solution? She will just take her son with her everywhere! Like a Pomeranian or a really cute tote! Or even better, a Pomeranian in a really cute tote. Her first day back at work is to oversee the shoot for her resort line's look book. This is basically a promotional booklet of her collection for stores and press to use. Mandana's been busy running the company and planning it all and she's a little nervous about how The Zoe will evaluate her work. Y'all, Mandana is really pretty. I just noticed that.
Rachel arrives with Skyler and everyone coos over him until Rachel mentions burping and pooping, which is not cute. Joey, who's on hand for hair and makeup of course, thinks that Skyler is too beautiful to be Rachel and Rodger's baby and maybe they stole it from Angelina Jolie. Um, okay. He ain't that adorable, let's not go overboard. Rachel and Mandana pick the looks for the shoot and Rachel experiences a weird sensation...she doesn't totally want to be working! It's so weird! It's like the love she has for Skyler is like, bigger than her love for fashion? The magic of motherhood, people. Unfortunately, they only have a certain amount of time to do this. The Zoe keeps leaving because she "has to touch" her baby. That just sounds weird, yo. Interestingly enough, the only woman of color I can ever recall on this show is hired to watch her baby. How The Help of her.
Real talk: I don't understand what resort wear is. Looking at Rachel's line, it looks...like fall fashion? But there's also sleeveless dresses. Is resort just a fancy name for "not quite winter, but not quite summer"? Whatever. If you've ever read my recaps of Project Runway, you already know that I know nothing about fashion. I have like seven cardigans and I rotate them. Deal with it. The shoot looks pretty cool, though. I like her stuff, even though I don't think it's terribly original. But who cares: Jeremiah is back! He is the most present fired person ever, man. Mandana has asked him to meet and he's not sure what it's about, but at least he knows he won't be getting canned again. Ha! Oh Jer, you and you're self-deprecating humor!
Mandana thanks Jeremiah for helping to put together the nursery, which is "a little oasis" for the family. You guys, I sincerely hope this is not the first time she said that, considering it was like two months ago. Mandana says she's just come back from a bunch of meetings in New York and Bloomingdale's has offered to give the Zoe resort collection a "store in store" space - I suppose this is one of those thingies where it's like a little mini-world of just one designer within a store space? Like when you walk into the Martha Stewart part of Macy's and nothing but the stench of potpourri and white privilege surrounds you? Anyway, it's better than a rack. Naturally, Mandana wants Jeremiah to build this store in store space because he's good at that shit. He's particularly good at capturing the "essence of Rachel," which is probably like a combination of genuine fur, Chanel, Elnett hairspray, leather and laxatives. Jeremiah is obviously thrilled, since he's a) still on television and, b) getting paid.
Rachel and Rodger spend some quality time. Rachel rocks Skyler and sings him a "lullaby," which no shit goes like this: "Sky Sky, French fry/Your Daddy's apple pie/Your Mommy's French fry/You're my little guy." I guess that's cute? I personally found the repetition of "French fry" to detract from the real point of the song, which is obviously maternal love and pie. Then they try to tell Skyler a story. They're really bad at it. Rachel tells her son about a little prince who loves beautiful clothes...he loves Ralph Laren and Stella McCartney and Missoni and also his parents love him. Someone buy them Goodnight Moon, for the love of God.
Eleven days later, Jeremiah presents his store in store mock-up to Mandana, who hates everything. The chair is too high, the credenza is a bad idea, the space isn't functional, etc. Basically, Jeremiah is worried that he's going to be fired...again. Considering Mandana says that two fat men are going to be attracted by his chair layout, it doesn't look good. So now he has three days to complete everything and the changes are pretty severe. Meanwhile, Rachel and Rodger burp Skyler. Is this what the show is to become? Rachel prepares to take Skyler with her to work, calling him her "little travel buddy," which to me still means "cute Pomeranian in a cute tote."
It's time to get dressed and Rodger requests that Rachel stop dressing their son in women's clothing. Rachel's all, "It's not girly, it's French!" and Skyler is officially destined to be gay, folks. He's a little prince, duh. A little French prince. Rodger points out that they are actually American, but Rachel rolls her eyes. But he has this amazing Gucci jacket! And skinny pants! OMG, what the fuck are skinny pants for an infant boy? I mean, seriously. Rodger points out that these things are ridiculous, considering that Skyler is like two months old and spits up on all his clothes. Rodger with the logic! But The Zoe knows no logic when it comes to fashion. She and her little French prince baby will show them all, despite Rodger's threat to dress their son in a "wrestling shirt." Oh Rodge, how garish. Then he offers to buy Skyler a Metallica shirt, which actually earns a smack from Rachel. Hee!
Back to Jeremiah Might Fail Theater! He arrives at Bloomingdale's early in the morning and has to do everything himself, including clearing out the store space. Really? No one at Bloomies could have done that for him? Luckily, two interns eventually show up to help. More importantly, we get a gratuitous scene of Jeremiah in a black tank top with a power drill. Bravo knows it's audience, y'all. Ratings! Rachel, Mandana and Skyler make their way to Bloomingdale's and hey! The African American baby nurse is there, too! Her name is Rusty. Amazing. And it's time to check out Jeremiah's finished product. For some reason, both Mandana and Rachel act all silent and freaked out, even though the only thing they both agree is lacking is a second chair, which Jeremiah has. I'd like to say that now they have the "two fat men" chairs back, just how Jeremiah originally suggested. Then suddenly, it's perfect! Yay! But will Bloomingdale's like it? Spoiler: they will. Duh.
Rachel loves the space, but it's Bloomingdale's Man who counts. If he likes the "Rachel Zoe World," they will likely get lots of "stores in stores" all over the country. Dramatic pause and...he loves it! I am completely surprised by this and was not at all expecting it! Rusty from The Help comes to bring Rachel her son as they call the top head honcho. And he likes it, too! Yay! Underwhelming drama! The store in store will be in eight stores across the country. Stores. I just thought I should say stores again. Stores! Then Jeremiah cries because he succeeded. How gay! Just kidding. No for real though, he is gay, unrelated to the crying.
The show ends with a lovely barbecue for Rachel and her team, without whom she "could not have been pregnant or had a child." Um, pretty sure that Rodger and the doctor did that, but okay. Everyone comes over and Rachel prepares her "famous salami," passed down from her grandmother. There are a couple of "that's what she said" jokes (Get it? Because salami is like a penis! They are using the food as a euphemism for a sex organ!) and it...looks disgusting? I mean honestly, I know I am walking into this joke, but what the hell is she doing with that salami? Gross. But Rachel is all, "OMG my salami," and Joey gags for it, direct quote. It's "so juicy," and alright, now they're just doing it on purpose. Then NO JOKE, Jeremiah says, "I can toss the salad." I mean- I can't even. I just cannot.
Incidentally, now I'm hungry. After devouring the OMG Salami, everyone gathers for lunch and I swear, I think Skyler is either the most well behaved baby alive or he's already figured out how to swipe mom's Xanax. Rodger gives a lovely speech about how grateful they are for Jeremiah and offers him a job. Jeremiah cries again. Then Rodger gives another speech. Then Rachel cries. Then Rachel gives a speech. This is an awfully fucking serious barbecue, y'all. Lighten up, have a beer. But Rachel and Rodger in their stupid matching fedoras are happy and love everyone. Yay love! So, who will it be - next season, either Joey or Jeremiah will have betrayed The Zoe, right? Place your bets now!suoodf,