You know that scene in A Clockwork Orange
, where they take Alex and pry his eyes open, forcing him to watch a rapid series of nonsensical, yet terribly disturbing, images? And eventually, they break him and he can’t take it anymore? He has no idea what’s happening, he just wants the flashes of horrible pain to stop – and they won’t, they don’t stop until he’s lost and confused and left in despair. Trapped. Imprisoned. And then he thinks, I’m okay. I don’t need that! But after much time, he finds himself going back to his old ways, anxious for more violent flashes of disturbing behavior.
, where they take Alex and pry his eyes open, forcing him to watch a rapid series of nonsensical, yet terribly disturbing, images? And eventually, they break him and he can’t take it anymore? He has no idea what’s happening, he just wants the flashes of horrible pain to stop – and they won’t, they don’t stop until he’s lost and confused and left in despair. Trapped. Imprisoned. And then he thinks, I’m okay. I don’t need that! But after much time, he finds himself going back to his old ways, anxious for more violent flashes of disturbing behavior. That’s what watching Bachelor Pad is like.
So much happens on this effing show, I don’t even know what to say or where to begin. Let’s give it a shot.
Crazy Melissa is mad because she thinks Blake is leading her on. He is, by the way, and he’s interested in Holly. Holly’s kind of into it, but she’s also kind of not over her ex-fiance Michael, who broods around still in love with her like a sad little puppy dog. Crazy Melissa is not having it, though. She points her finger and her crazy eyes at Blake and I don’t know if anyone remembers Melissa from Brad’s season of The Bachelor, where she had a really bizarre fight with contestant Raichel and then got sent home for, well, being crazy? It's like that. Blake seems concerned for his safety. But even though no one likes Melissa and generally thinks she’s loony tunes (the word “batshit” is used at least fourteen times) Blake is afraid he will be sent home. But have no fear, Blake, because there are way bigger scumbags than you in The Pad. Namely Jake and Kasey.
Kasey and Vienna are fighting a lot. This is probably because they don’t actually love each other, although according to Kasey it’s because Vienna is being “cordial” to Jake. According to Vienna it’s because Kasey isn’t “protecting her” like he said he would. Maybe if he flexed his creepy tattoo at her, she’s see how hard he was trying. See, ‘cause it’s a heart. And when he flexes, it looks like it’s beating and…oh, never mind. They fight a lot. Kasey tells us how “stupid” his girlfriend is and how she is a “total fame whore” and then says he loves her more than anything in the same breath. Then, in perhaps one of the best Kasey-isms of the night, he tells Vienna, “I get that he physically and mentally abused you, but that was like, a year ago…get over it.” True love! So tender.
There is a ridiculous synchronized swimming routine challenge. Everyone expects the girls to kill it, because they are pretty and lithe and cheerleaders and totally have that white girl rhythm. Of course, they suck. The men, however, may have found their calling. Michael and Michelle win and there are dates and Michelle likes Graham and things are still awkward with Holly and Michael and no one cares. Oh, and Brett Michaels
shows up and sings “Every Rose Has Its Thorn"
, likely because it has “rose” in the title. I’d feel bad for him, but at least he got to leave afterward.
shows up and sings “Every Rose Has Its Thorn", likely because it has “rose” in the title. I’d feel bad for him, but at least he got to leave afterward.
Meanwhile, Princess Erica (who is still wearing a tiara and carrying around a crystal gavel like someone on furlough from the mental ward) has decided she likes Jake. How unpredictable! They shall secretly cuddle and make out and form a secret black ops mission to get Kasey kicked off. Obviously it’s between Kasey and Jake this week. Obviously, Chris Harrison has a “surprise” announcement that no girls will go home. Man, this show. Full of shocking moments. So Princess Erica and Jake kiss a lot and the microphone is way too close to their mouths and I vomit a little. But I’m sure it was a nice kiss, because Princess Erica informs us that she is “a good kisser” and has “really nice lips which [she] maintains with getting injections every six months.” Yep.
Speaking of hot romance, it’s Kasey and Vienna’s six month anniversary and even though they don’t seem to like each other at all, he gives her a ring. She almost goes into convulsions until she realizes it’s not an engagement ring, just “a promise.” Then he sings to her. He fucking sings, an original fucking song about how he was just sitting there on their anniversary and gave her a promise ring. He literally sings a song about what just actually happened literally seconds ago, except it kind of rhymes, so you know he actually worked on it in advance, and I am not a religious person but I was just praying God, please. Make it stop. Please make it stop! Remember when he sang to Ali and it was HORRIBLE and EVERYONE WEPT and then she left him abandoned on a frozen mountaintop because she JUST COULD NOT COPE? You don’t?! Well shit.
So then, all kinds of jumbled crap happens where Jake is trying to form an alliance with Crazy Michelle but also with Princess Erica, and there’s spying and Crazy Melissa freaks out and cries like, three times, and then the entire Pad is split. Will it be Jake or Kasey who goes home? As Jake homosexually puts it, “Tonight is between Kasey and I and things are…tight.”
And then we’re at the end of this Clockwork Orange-esque psychological experiment. Or are we? Chris Harrison comes out, and it’s down to Jake and Kasey. Chris slowly says’s Kasey’s name…and the screen goes black. Is he in? Is he out? We don’t know! Chris Harrison, you trickster!
