Everyone On Project Runway Pretty Much Hates Each Other A Whole Bunch

This week's episode of Project Runway begins with a bang and doesn’t get much better. Cecilia, still reeling from her near-elimination last week, is having a nervous breakdown. Frankly, she is miserable. She wishes she’d gone home last week and wants to get the hell out now. Well…okay. I guess. I mean, you have one bad week and you break down? And only in Week Five? Sure, okay. That really shows dedication to your field and stuff. Go Cecilia! Seriously, just go if you don’t want to be here. Good lord.

You know, the thing that kills me about this? When a reality show contestant leaves or is eliminated, they have to stay in a hotel until taping ends. Even if they are sent home in the first week. This is to keep spoilers from leaking to the press, of course. So people like Cecilia, who choose to leave early do not, in fact, get to go home. They have to sit in a hotel for God knows how many weeks, still missing their families and still disappointed in themselves. Basically, Cecilia voluntarily gives up the chance to win so that she can spend the next two months in a hotel thinking about how unhappy she is. What a fucking idiot, I mean seriously. 

Then for some unknown reason that is most definitely not a huge product placement for Heidi Klum's New Balance line, they make all these poor people run laps around a track. It’s a race! Wee little Olivier totally eats it on the track. Then he has a panic attack. It’s all weird. Stop making wee little designers run, Project Runway! Forgive me for being stereotypical, but I don’t think there are a lot of quarterbacks in this competition. So, in all unfairness to little gay men and old fart Bert, the winners of the race become team captains and it’s like fashion kickball where the old and frail are chosen last. Harsh.

Team captains end up being Josh, Bryce, Anthony and Viktor, with Anthony getting stuck with Bert, The One No One Likes. Then again, Bert also expresses his desire to work with no one ever at all. Because Cecilia booked it, Viktor gets to bring Josh C. back to the competition – see, because he was right there in a hotel! Waiting in New York for the show to end filming! OMG, Cecilia! Way to go, taking his hotel room! It's a good thing you're gone, so he can win all that money and fame instead of you! Moron! Sorry, I’ll move on.  

They are – shocker! – to design three outfits to go with Heidi’s New Balance line of sneakers. I am so surprised by this. I mean, we even did this last season, didn’t we? With her sportswear line? Ugh. The garment will be made and sold on Amazon.com, blah, blah, blah. Josh M. and Anya are pretty crappy to Becky, but specifically Josh M. Granted, they both seem to be more creatively inclined, but Josh treats her like a piece of garbage the entire time, giving the zinger, “Your demographic is 40 to death!” and calling her dresses – gasp! – dowdy. Then she like, cries in the bathroom. Essentially, she is treated like an intern, despite the fact that Anya can barely sew. Group challenges are so fun!

It’s not as bad as last week’s Nina Hysteria, but The Klum of Doom (© Josh C.) is not kind. She fears for everyone’s life, future and sanity, and thus gives them until four o’clock in the morning to finish.  Of course, as it gets later, people begin to crack. They are all feeling stressed, and then Josh M. is a huge prick again because Bert is on his sewing machine or something, even though during the scene there are clearly at least three open machines. Whatever. The thing is, instead of being the mature one in response to Josh’s ridiculous diva routine, Bert tells him to “drop dead”.  I know the theme so far this season has been that no one wants Bert around because he is not young or modern or hip or edgy or born in the 90s or something. But he doesn’t help his situation by stomping around like an arrogant, grumpy old coot and telling everyone to go screw themselves all the time.  Plus, I do happen to think his design aesthetic is old fashioned and boring, for the most part. So, there’s that.

Anthony’s team is a hot tranny mess. He and Laura get along fine, but they pick on Bert constantly. Bert responds, again, not by taking the high road, but by acting like a huge jerkface.  I don’t understand why he insists on behaving just as immaturely as everyone else, especially with his holier than thou attitude.  I get that he’s upset at how he’s being treated, but he seems to treat everyone the same way, so…?  Their panel gets ugly. They all seem like they are trying to be polite at first, but it eventually escalates to Anthony and Bert calling each other "fucking liars" and…sigh. The bottom line is, Bert’s outfit is the only safe one, though it’s merely “presentable”. The judges react quite violently to Danielle’s and Anthony’s. Michael Kors’ reaction to Danielle’s frumpy, unflatering garment is akin to agonizingly painful heart palpitations. Good times.  

The judges have generally positive reactions to Josh M., Anya and Becky, though they get slammed for not allowing Becky any creative control. They do point out that despite their interpersonal problems, the collection is cohesive.  Bryce and Viktor additionally get accolades for their designs. But just in case you were worried that the judges might be happy, they get into a fight over whether to send Anthony or Danielle home. Nina and Michael, in particular, are sick of chiffon-addicted Danielle (word!) while Heidi finds Anthony’s garment the most offensive (the terms “camel toe” and “camel butt” are each passed around at some point).  

In a twist, both Viktor and Josh M. are chosen as winners, and both of their garments will be featured online. To Heidi’s chagrin, Danielle is sent home while a weeping Anthony makes it through to next week. In terms of fashion, I feel like the judges made the right decision, but it’s difficult to see a prick like Josh M. win while a decent guy like Anthony (who had to put up with a lot of bullshit from Bert) was put through the ringer.  But I suppose if we sent every asshole home…we’d just be left with Tim Gunn.