A-Hole Chris Brown Starring In A Movie That Will Probably Make You Puke

I was hesitant to even make this blog post, because I have such serious issues with Chris Brown that even giving him the tiniest bit of press bothers me. Believe me, I know this little blog hardly counts as "press," but any conversation about scum like him is one conversation too many.

That being said, I'm sure you've heard by now that Chris Brown's been cast in a romantic comedy. And not just any romantic comedy - a romantic comedy based on one of the most misogynistic, condescending, stereotypical, loathsome piece of garbage "advice" books I've encountered in a long time.  And I just. Cannot. Get over it.

First of all, let's deal with the book. It's by Steve Harvey, whom I've never found humorous, but there's a boat for everyone to float in, right? But no, wrong. He is not funny. He shouldn't even be allowed to speak, let alone pen an advice book. It's called Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and although I've only read one chapter, I can already tell you it's a steaming pile of shit. If you're curious, Oprah (who should be ashamed of herself for even promoting this as a woman) has posted a chapter on her website. But if you'd rather spare yourself, let me sum it up for you: "Women, you would be much happier, more successful and have better relationships if you would just shut the fuck up and do what I say." There you go. That's the book.

One gem in particular stood out to me, from the chapter entitled, "'We Need to Talk,'" and Other Words That Make Men Run for Cover." He is discussing how women like to vent about their problems, but men like to solve them. It reads:
 
We understand that this frustrates you time and time again, because sometimes you want to talk to share and get someone else's take on a situation—you know, put a listening ear on it. But seriously? That's what your girlfriends are for. You lay out your problem and she'll commiserate with you—give you all kinds of "yeah, girls" and "I know that's right," and nod and agree and tell you stories about how the same thing happened to her. She'll even go on to give you concrete examples of every other time something like this has happened to other women throughout the history of the world, and, hours later, you all will get up from the couch, having solved nothing but feeling so much better. 

See, if we would just share all the incessant chatter going on in our empty little heads with our equally empty-headed girlfriends and save the real problem solving to the men, things would run much more smoothly. I'll keep my dumbass female mouth shut from now on. Thank you, Steve Harvey. Thank you.

I'll give you a moment, since surely you just threw up a little in your mouth....


Now, after that atrocity, it's no wonder someone like Chris Brown has been cast in the movie version. He's already demonstrated his outstanding ability to problem solve, such as bashing his girlfriend's face in until she is almost unrecognizable, or throwing chairs through the windows of major television studios when someone interviews him at a scheduled interview. Obviously he is the right choice. Obviously he is an outstanding man, one who consistently demonstrates level-headedness in a problematic situation. Obviously he reacts rationally to difficult issues, not venting like us silly women, but instead solving them with a cool and calm demeanor. Obviously he is a shining example of what all men should stand for and women worldwide will watch his performance, weep, and then line up to offer their barren uteruses. Obviously.

I can't even go on. Let's let Anderson Cooper finish it off for me.