Lindsay Lohan Continues Her Journey Down Trashville Lane

I don’t know if you heard, but just this last weekend, there was some wedding.  Did you hear about that? I don’t know. Not a lot of press coverage. Anyway, at this mysterious, unidentified wedding, everybody’s favorite drunken piece of garbage Lindsay Lohan had an oopsie.

No, I know what you’re thinking, and that girl started wearing thong-shaped diapers a long time ago – I mean, who can expect her to have bladder control at this point? No, the oopsie was that someone “accidentally” spilled a watermelon Bellini all down the back of Lindsay’s pretty, sparkly white gown.

Now, this story makes me think three things. Allow me to list them for you.  One, a watermelon Bellini? It was apparently the drink of the evening. Is that the new cosmo? Please tell me that’s not the new cosmo. Gross. Two, she wore a white, sparkly Temperley gown to someone else’s wedding? I know Lindsay Lohan isn’t exactly the poster child for class but…really? A white gown? At a wedding. A wedding to which you are an invited guest and not say, the bride. A white gown. Shut the fuck up, Lindsay Lohan with your white gown at someone else’s wedding.

Three, I am thinking this was no accident. But my advice to the perpetrator? Next time spill some red wine. It will be way funnier. And I won’t judge you so much for drinking what is essentially a fizzy Jolly Rancher.