You Excited About The VMAs? No? Me Either

I am 31, which is not exactly old, but I am old to the current MTV generation. So let me explain a few things to any youngsters who might be reading this: MTV used to play music. Not just sometimes. Not just on certain shows, or on TRL every evening. But like, all the time. There would occasionally be a countdown, or a specialized show based on rock, rap (back in the day when no one said "hip hop" it was called "rap," kids) and pop music. They had a couple of dance shows, not unlike American Bandstand. What's that? Oh shut up, Google it.  Then The Real World came along. MTV started original programming. Beavis and Butthead, Daria, etc. But you know what? They still played music. It was, however, the beginning of the end.

We live in a very different world now. People still make music videos, but they are typically only posted online at the band/musician's official website and/or YouTube page. They are rarely, if ever, played on MTV. Networks like Fuse and VH1 have taken the same route - more original programming, almost no videos.

The thing is, excellent videos are still being made. I've seen some stellar ones from Florence + the Machine, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Ok Go and My Chemical Romance. Not to be too genre-biased, I'll also say I've seen great videos from Kanye West, the Black Eyed Peas (look, they blow, but their videos are interesting and fun) and Nicki Minaj.  I thought that the videos for Rise Against's "Make it Stop (September's Children)" and Eminem and Rihanna's "Love the Way You Lie" were very powerful. So this is not to say an awards show isn't still necessary. People are working on videos and they should be given credit for them, right?

But then you look at the VMAs and you realize what a joke they actually are. The pre-show lasts forever. There are no longer interesting interviews or featured performances, just red-carpet blurbs and snippets of live performances. Seriously, they never show the full performance anymore. What the fuck is up with that? Why wouldn't we want to hear the entire song? God.

Anyway, then you have the host. Except, well, not this year. Apparently, after the so-so reactions to Russell Brand and Chelsea Handler, MTV execs wanted someone really great. But then no one wanted the gig.  Executive producer Amy Doyle told Billboard, "It's going down to the wire. Hosting is such a unique element...We feel we got it right by putting new talent on the stage like Chelsea [Handler] and Russell [Brand]. We're really challenging ourselves to find the right person so that the show feels complete."  But now it's the day of the show and it looks like the biggest challenge was finding someone, anyone, willing to do it.  Because they didn't.

It's a bold move, having no host. Then again, I'm glad to move away from this trend of awkwardly uncomfortable insults from awards show hosts - I'm looking at you, Ricky Gervais.   But I've found in recent years, the VMAs are such a flash-flash-flash of stimulation with their lights and multi-camera angles and live cams and DJ booths and interview booths and weird stage stunts, like...what the hell is going on? I feel like I have epilepsy. Don't we need someone to control the chaos? Or at least make sure things stay on track? I enjoy the unplanned mishap or the drop of F-bombs missed by the censors as much as the next guy, but Jesus. This show has become a hot mess.

And then we have the actual awards.  You can see the full list of atrocities here, but let me sum it up for you: Katy Perry. Katy Perry leads the nominations with nine. There are only a little more than a dozen total and several are male-specific or require you to be a new artist. Basically, according to MTV, Katy Perry was the only thing worthwhile that happened this year.

So let's talk about Katy Perry. She came onto the scene, all pin-up sexy with her doe eyes and red lips. Yes, she's hot. Her singing? Meh. Her songs? Catchy. but also fucking horrible. Her debut single told us all about how she makes out with girls because it turns boys on, even though it's "not what good girls do", so thanks for that completely homophobic pile of garbage. Then she sang something about fireworks, which I believe 50 percent of the chorus consists of the words "Uh uh uh".  And her latest, "Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" details  how totally super awesome it is to get blackout wasted, break laws, get in fights and have potentially unprotected group sex with strangers. As she says, "It’s a blacked-out blur but I’m pretty sure it ruled." And next weekend? Well, naturally they'll "do it all again." Fantastic message to your 12-25 year old female demographic, Katy Petty. Fucking fantastic.  I've heard interviews with her and she doesn't actually seem like an idiot or a bimbo, so I don't know why she wastes her notoriety on the most horrible messages ever to young women. Hey, young women? Katy Perry's songs tell you to be a whore. FYI, being a whore is less fun when you lose the catchy beat and just start itching.

Don't even get me started about Chris Brown's nominations. I know his songs are not actually about abusing women, so I can't judge him the same way I do Katy Perry. I am trying to be objective, here. The music is not the person, etc. But man, I really don't want that dickhole to win anything.  Ever.

I know I sound like an old fuddy duddy. But you know what? Oh well. These are not the best of the best.  Sure, there are some decent nominations in there. I am glad to see young, talented bands like Foster The People, Mumford and Sons, Manchester Orchestra and Cage the Elephant get some credit. I do happen to think that Nicki Minaj, Cee Lo Green, Britney Spears, Kanye West and Pink have some good videos - although Kanye's true best video of the year is the uncut version of  "Monster," which everyone has deemed too offensive to play. But let's be honest - this is a pop/hip hip biased ceremony and Katy Perry and her boobies will take home most of the wins.

If you're curious, nominations for Video of the Year are:
1. Adele - "Rolling in the Deep"
2. Tyler, The Creator - "Yonkers"
3. Katy Perry - "Firework"
4. Beastie Boys - "Make Some Noise"
5. Bruno Mars - "Grenade"

In my opinion, two good things will/might happen on tonight's show: first, I am looking forward to the Young The Giant performance. They are really effing good, if you haven't heard them before. And second, maybe - just maybe - we will get a Beastie Boys upset win for Video of the Year. Because have you seen that shit?  Oh my god, it's amazing. Let's watch and fondly remember the days (or mourn that you missed the days) when innovators like the Beastie Boys ruled the MTV airwaves.  Or we could just get wasted and hook up, then sing about it. I'll choose the first, but it looks like I'm outvoted.